>Google Analytics Rocks My Socks Off

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For the two or three readers of my blog who know me in real, troll-free life, it is no secret that I do SEO for a living. I’m not proud of it, but it’s a job that pays the bills and provides an endless supply of laughs and retarded moments to make it worth my while. Sometimes.

For those who don’t know what SEO is, let me explain. SEO stands for Search Engine Optimization. The main goal of SEO is getting clients’ websites ranking high on Google, preferably in the first three spots of page 1. This entails rather meticulous and somewhat screwy keyword analysis, link building, content posting on various outlets, and an overall knowledge of internet resources and tricks. Basically, what SEO does is trick Google into thinking that one’s page is relevant for whatever we want it to be. Some fans consider it an art. I don’t quite go to that extent, but I have become somewhat fond of it.

One of my co-workers is probably currently running for biggest SEO geek in the history of the world (facing strong opposition from similar geeky types with awkward aspirations of coolness), and he believes he can sell anyone anything through the power of SEO. I honestly think it is an excellent marketing resource that, done well and with some effort put into it, can bring out great results. I intend to use SEO as a means to support myself while in Norway, but I promise I will only do it in an ethical, non-exploitative manner. Cause I have morals and principles and I am a good person who will go to heaven.

But, the more I inhabit this universe, the more I realize that people are and will inevitably continue to be stupid until the Mayan-predicted apocalypse wipes us off the face of the Earth in 2012, or a meteorite/Sun/Moon/Chewbacca obliterates our wonderful little planet. People will pay hundreds of dollars for shit. I could literally grab a turd, wrap it in a nice package, put a nice, colorful ribbon on top of it and sell it for $50, if I know how to sell it. I could just make up some bullshit about it being a magical turd shat by Jesus himself that will bestow good luck, incredible sexual powers and tons of money upon its fortunate bearer, and people will gladly pay for it and carry it around in their pocket. We are inherently drawn to pretty things, and we have been raised in a compulsively shop-aholic society. We buy, cause that’s how we support society and our country’s economy. If we lived in Cuba or North Korea, we would be completely different human beings, and we wouldn’t have the need to come up with bullshit like SEO to sell our turds. Then again, if we lived in Cuba or North Korea, we wouldn’t even have internet to begin with. In fact, if we lived in Cuba or North Korea, this blog wouldn’t even exist, which arguably would be better for everyone in the long run… but I digress.

So I ask myself, if everyone is capable of buying anything, and even I have been subjected to the evil powers of marketing and advertising, and have bought my FAIR, SUPER FAIR share of crap, and have already dished out a good load of money that I don’t have for those assholes selling it, why can’t I just sell crap and make a good living out of it? Cause I’m a good person who will go to heaven? Well, let’s start by saying I don’t believe in heaven. So there you go. I don’t believe in hell either, so I fear no repercussions. Second, I will not be forcing people to give me their money. I will carefully suggest that they buy from me, pointing out the positive aspects of the product they will be acquiring. No one said anything about it being a treacherous transaction. Third, I will NOT sell turds. If I ever decide on something to sell, it will appeal to people’s innermost passions, those things that touch people deep down. I will make people happy. There’s always time to spread the love.

My boyfriend and I have casually come up with products we could potentially sell. I will not reveal any of them because our ideas are too cool and groundbreaking to be released ever-so-slightly, but we have them and people will know about them soon, if we do our SEO well. Who knows, maybe we will “fight the keyword battle and win the SEO war” (inside joke — this is what SEO freaks say, FOR REAL).

If you have any questions about the wonderful art of SEO, please contact chewbaccasexy@gmail.com, feel free to send any business ideas that could benefit from the great powers of SEO, and enclose as much money as you would like. You will receive a free sample turd as a thank you for your help.

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Now playing: Black Mountain – Wucan
via FoxyTunes

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