This is where I should draw the line

I thought I had reached the end of my writer phase. I was never good, nor was I ever successful; this was a distraction and a cathartic experiment. 

I am now feeling old, lost and without a purpose. If once, my purpose was to write, today my purpose is to destroy every piece of evidence of this shameful place, burn it forever in a fire with all my memories, and disappear into a place where no one can find me, or force me to go through the inevitable path of existence. 

I am an adult, and for the first time I feel like an adult. And I am alone. 

Words come and go. People telling me they will “never leave me”, that “lots of people love me” and that I am not alone, but with every word, comes a gust of wind that pushes it away and leaves me empty regardless. I feel alone, and I cause pain upon those who feel their presence in my life is useless. This, in turn, causes me grief, but never remorse.

I have also discovered that I am almost incapable of feeling guilt. That hard, incessant pang in the heart whenever one is aware of some wrongdoing – I can’t feel it. I can hardly feel anything anymore, only lots of frustration.

And all of this I say, because I think I am on a path to destroying myself. It feels like a good way to begin adulthood. I am 25 and fucking up my life. Right now, I don’t care. 

I feel my job here is done. I hardly have anything to say, and whenever I try to put it into words here, it comes off insincere, contrived and poor. This, however, is honest, and feels necessary. 

I am writing this for you. For you all, and for you, my only one. I will one day draw the line, but not today. For right now, I don’t feel guilty or alone.

La muerte

1385762_231889536976826_743559808_nEl lunes murió Lou Reed, integrante principal de The Velvet Underground.

En realidad no es su muerte lo que me incomodó, sino la muerte en sí. Llegar a ese lugar de la vida donde la realidad cae a baldazos y darse cuenta que no importa cuánto hayas importado para alguien, cuánto hayas hecho por tí mismo, o cuán grande sea el legado que dejas, igual eres tan vulnerable como el borracho que le pega a su mujer o el tipo que accidentalmente me regó café en los pies hoy en la mañana.

Hay gente que no debería morir.

Mi abuela murió hace tres meses y siento que la vida no me va a alcanzar para quejarme de lo injusto que se portó el mundo con ella, y lo injusto que se porta conmigo, arrebatándome algo tan preciado. Pero la muerte, cuando llega así, crea una ilusión de suspensión de la realidad donde quien se te ha ido solo está ausente, mas no muerto. A pesar de saber que ya jamás va a volver, que no existe en ninguna parte del mundo al que tienes acceso, te refugias tras la esperanza de que aún esté. No importa de qué forma, ni dónde, ni en qué circunstancias, solo importa que esté.

Y es que es tan triste cuando alguien que ha hecho algo por ti se vaya. Lou Reed me dio canciones que hizo desde el fondo de su tristeza, desde ese hoyo oscuro donde se encontraba su corazón. Mi abuela me dio la vida dos veces y me dio todo lo que ahora soy y me servirá siempre, todo lo que tengo que me inunda y puedo compartirlo con los demás.

En realidad no me importa que haya muerto Lou Reed. Me importa que la muerte está siempre tan cerca, y él me ha ayudado un poco a aceptarlo.

 

Disgust

The feeling is nauseating. The utter disgust of someone driving you catastrophically insane. The reality of human cruelty permeating in my psyche.

I see your picture every now and then and it makes me cry. I hear your voice and my heart shrinks, pulled inward by all the possibilities of a story that never ended. I want to believe it’s going to stop, that one day I will look at you and remain emotionless, that I could offer you an honest smile without a knot forming in my throat, because I know one day it will be like this, I barely even think about you now and time does wash away memories until they are so blank you can see through them, ignore them completely.

I see you now and I feel empty. You are a rotting piece of my heart that refuses to fall off and die. You decay, your memory keeps losing colors and turning into a mucky, stained sepia; and I still can’t stop feeling the remainders of wet damage struggling to spill from my eyes. I think of you and the limits to my imagination are shattered, as I never could have imagined someone could so easily leave, so resolute and cruel, with such disregard and in such a cowardly, emotionless way.

Over the surface I feel depleted of sympathy, I can hardly contain the urge to snap you out of whatever it is you think makes you larger than whoever you look down on. I see the people with whom you choose to share your time and it sickens me, I see how you interact, how you speak, and it annoys me. It was always this way. I you spending time with people so simpleminded, unattractive and bland, I often wonder if I was an exercise in tolerance on your part. 

This drives me insane. I am losing my mind, thinking that I could never be happy unless I cause you an amount of pain that could match the one I still feel when I think of you; and yet I know that this could never materialize. I care about you enough to never intend to hurt you, but I am still angry, still trying to come to terms with these overwhelming emotions and questions that plague me. I can barely put it into words, I cannot attempt to hold it. 

I can only rationalize it as annoyance. So annoyance I will feel. 

I am sick of you. 

What happens when we fall in love

bigquestionslittlepeople_loveWhat happens when we fall in love is probably one of the most difficult things in the whole universe to explain. It’s something we do without thinking. In fact, if we think about it too much, we usually end up doing it all wrong and get in a terrible muddle. That’s because when you fall in love, the right side of your brain gets very busy. The right side is the bit that seems to be especially important for our emotions. Language, on the other hand, gets done almost completely in the left side of the brain. And this is one reason why we find it so difficult to talk about our feelings and emotions: the language areas on the left side can’t send messages to the emotional areas on the right side very well. So we get stuck for words, unable to describe our feelings.

But science does allow us to say a little bit about what happens when we fall in love. First of all, we know that love sets off really big changes in how we feel. We feel all light-headed and emotional. We can be happy and cry with happiness at the same time. Suddenly, some things don’t matter any more and the only thing we are interested in is being close to the person we have fallen in love with.

These days we have scanner machines that let us watch a person’s brain at work. Different parts of the brain light up on the screen, depending on what the brain is doing. When people are in love, the emotional bits of their brains are very active, lighting up. But other bits of the brain that are in charge of more sensible thinking are much less active than normal. So the bits that normally say ‘Don’t do that because it would be crazy!’ are switched off, and the bits that say ‘Oh, that would be lovely!’ are switched on.

Why does this happen? One reason is that love releases certain chemicals in our brains. One is called dopamine, and this gives us a feeling of excitement. Another is called oxytocin and seems to be responsible for the light-headedness and cosiness we feel when we are with the person we love. When these are released in large quantities, they go to parts of the brain that are especially responsive to them.

But all this doesn’t explain why you fall in love with a particular person. And that is a bit of a mystery, since there seems to be no good reason for our choices. In fact, it seems to be just as easy to fall in love with someone after you’ve married them as before, which seems the wrong way round. And here’s another odd thing. When we are in love, we can trick ourselves into thinking the other person is perfect. Of course, no one is really perfect. But the more perfect we find each other, the longer our love will last.

What goes on inside the brain when we love – Robin Dunbar

You

Try and snap me out
Of this cruel phase
Scattered limbs about
Stops me thinkin’
Focus in and out
Start to fade
Better spit it out
Cause it’s not stickin’

Set my heart alight
Bail me up all night
Beat me up all night
Set my heart alight

Try and snap me out
Of this blasé
Try and blow my cool
While it’s still sinkin
Focus in and out
Start to vague
I don’t even clock
The tock you’re tickin’

Set my heart alight
Stick me up all night
Bail me up all night
Set my heart alight
Stitch me up all night
Destined to collide

HTRK – Slo Glo

With You in My Head

I live in a house of debris, where dust and cobwebs are my only companions, where the ceiling is falling to pieces and rust covers every metallic surface that could provide a cold sensation to my palms. Everything is falling apart around me, I sleep over a pile of death and garbage, in darkness until the day comes.

In the midst of all this ugliness, all this destruction and collapse, I see you clearly. With my eyes covered in tears, I can see you. Because I know that you live in a house much like mine, full of dirt and chaos. Because I know that, no matter where you are, you and I are the same.

I am sedated, I cannot feel at all. Until I think of you and am overcome by a surge of tenderness, an almost immediate desire to hold your hand. There, in that same house full of despair and fog that we both inhabit. There, in the depths of our minds.

 Come back.